slow ride

i think you're trying to tell me to slow down.

my life is too full.  full-time mommy during the day, part-time librarian during the evenings and weekends, playdates, keeping up with the laundry (and the dishes, and the vacuuming, and scrubbing the toilets...), and the thousand other little tasks and responsibilities that fill everyone's life.  i try to stay on top of things, but more often than not, life runs me over like a dump truck (or, as you would put it, "dump car").  it seems like when this happens, you have this habit of taking my face between your tiny hands, looking earnestly in my eyes, and saying, "mommy."  sometimes you redirect my attention to your trucks, or to whatever show you're watching (usually pocoyo or little bill).  but sometimes, you just stare at me, like you want to tell me something but you don't have the words (or the fully developed rational thought) to express it.  sometimes, i feel like you understand more than i give you credit for.

i could be wrong.  it happens.  i mean, you're barely past your second birthday.  you talk all the time, but only about a third of it is made up of actual words.  you haven't quite yet grasped the relationship between cause and effect.  maybe i'm just projecting my own thoughts onto you.  maybe some hidden, ancient part of my brain is trying to get a message through, and the only way it knows how to do so is to tell the larger, more conscious part of my brain that my son understands the important things in life better than i do.

but sometimes you amaze me with just how much you do understand.

i think you're trying to tell me to slow down.  and i'm trying to listen, i really am.

for life is quite absurd...

it's been a while since i posted here, kiddo.  that's because you're keeping me a lot busier these days.  always on the go, discovering new things...it's exhausting.  but, it's also pretty exciting.  i'm seeing the world for the first time again, through your eyes.  things i used to take for granted are all of a sudden given new life and meaning as you point them out and explain to me, in your own little english-toddlerese language, why they're so noteworthy.  i'm trying to teach you, but i'm learning so much from you, too.  i reckon we really are in this together now, huh...

so i was doing some thinking today.  life is funny, as you'll find out someday.  every day, we are presented with countless choices, and sometimes even the seemingly smallest thing can cause drastic waves in the course our lives take.  i think back on my life, all the things that could've happened, and it just amazes me that everything lined up the way it should for you to be born.  what if i'd been able to stay in the army?  what if i'd decided to go to carolina instead of wcu?  either of those would've practically guaranteed that i would never meet your daddy.  even the fact that i have PCOS (i'll explain that condition to you someday)...all those eggs i produced that never made it to where they needed to be, but then one came along that did, and there you were.  and i can sit and speculate all day on how different my life would be if i had made different choices, or if different conditions were in play, and whether i would like the person i would otherwise be, whether i'd be happy with the life i was otherwise living.  but it doesn't matter.  i'll never know what lay down those roads, and i don't care.  i'm so happy here, and now, with your daddy, and especially with you.  even when i'm angry or frustrated, i wouldn't change what i have now for anything.  someday, i hope that you find this much happiness.  <3

your mama hates mouth noises

dear max:

my son, child of my heart, my most precious creation, you should thank your lucky stars that i love you so much. otherwise, this occasional fascination you have with making mouth noises would warrant something along the lines of trading you off to the nearest band of gypsies.  seriously, mouth noises are not cool.  but i love you.  so i let it slide.

dinner alone

dear max:

i love the fact that i can stay at home with you during the day.  i love that i'm able to spend so much time with you, watching you grow and develop and explore (even when your explorations take you to places i'd rather you not go).  but as much as i love spending all that time with you, i absolutely love the fact that you and daddy weren't at home when i got back from work tonight, and that i was able to eat an entire meal in peace.

p.s.  --  the cats really enjoyed your absence too, but i think they still haven't forgiven us for bringing you home from the hospital in the first place.

you have your daddy's snore

dear max:

so i had this idea to keep a journal and fill it with random thoughts, observations, and stories from watching you grow up.  goodness knows i have plenty of blank journals lying about that would work perfectly.  and maybe i'll still do that, but at the moment, i am quite comfortable lying here beside you.  and anyway, you're sleeping light tonight, so i'd likely wake you if i got out of bed.

so yeah, we'll do the written journal, too.  but in the meantime, i wanted to put into words how much i love you at this moment.  from the top of your curly little head to the bottoms of your chubby little feet, you are the center of my world, and you always will be.  <3